Women who grow to hate the men they are with often show up as the strongest beings on the planet. These are women who stay in toxic relationships well over their limits. Where they get the strength for this is beyond words.
These are the women who are faced with constant criticism of who, what and where they are moment-to-moment, day in and day out. There isn’t a day that goes by in which some aspect of their personhood, or their partnership abilities is not brought into question.
Why do you …such and such?
Why did you do …such and such?
If you only did …such and such.
Why can’t you do …such and such?
If you really cared about me (or our marriage), you would do …such and such.
And it goes on and on, ad nauseum.
The Mixed Message
All while they live on the attack, they are smothered with pleas for their affection, time and attention. Their partners desperately seek closeness and involvement from these beings, whom they have beaten down verbally and emotionally through relentless battering. And they can’t understand why their wives want no part of them.
These women pull back from sex. They prefer to sleep alone. Vacations with their partners are nightmares. They seek time without their partners. They get lost in their work and or in their parenting responsibilities. Their days are filled from the moment they awaken until they pass out at night with anything and everything but exposure to the partner they have grown to hate.
The Consequences of Chronic Battering
What they actually hate is the chronic battering, coercion, manipulation and scolding, and, of course, the way they feel in its aftermath. For some women it may take days to recover, for some it takes weeks, and then there are those whom bit-by-bit are never the same. The ongoing battering changes them fundamentally, until the day comes when they say: that’s it, no more!
Some of these women leave the marital residence, some leave the state and when money is an issue, they may only leave the bedroom or demand that he does the same. Once done, the dynamics continue in larger more pronounced form.
There can be heroic efforts to revive the love, re-engage the attention and re-kindle the hope for making the marriage work. But at the end of the day, if these men don’t do their own personal work, these dynamics will remain intact and reinforced…indefinitely!
If you recognize yourself in this article insight, take a hard and fast look at the dynamics of intimate partner abuse and the impact of battering on the human psyche, both short and long term.
For more information helping people in abusive relationships, visit www.innersanctuaryonline.org and get immediate access to insights on healing abuse within and after an abusive relationship.
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.
©Dr Jeanne King — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention