What makes some people engage in coercive, manipulative maneuvers reflexively, as though it is part of their DNA? Or is it such an ingrained habit that it’s the only way they know how to get their way?
I believe it’s the latter. There is no coercive control gene passed on in utero. After 40 plus years of clinical psychology practice, I truly believe this is learned behavior.
Unfulfilled Request Becomes a “Punishment”
Take James, for example. He’s a middle-aged man who lives in an apartment. For several years, he claims to have done his laundry in his apartment or apartment complex. But for some unknown reason, he seeks laundry services outside of his residence.
In and of itself, that’s no big deal. However, he reaches out to an estranged family member (Michael) nearly an hour away, with whom he remains on shaky ground and requests to have his laundry done at their house.
Now, Michael has clear reasons why he prefers to help in ways that don’t involve having this person’s laundry done in his home. But of course, that is never brought up directly because these two people don’t speak, much less authentically level with one another in a civil manner.
Instead, Michael tries repeatedly to help. First, he wants to understand why James is not using the services of the apartment complex, as this may inspire the need to move. Then he tries to determine if the issue has to do with a broken washer, and how it might be repaired or replaced. No clarity is offered; only avoidance and gaslighting.
In Michael’s efforts to understand the request, he offers solutions that could take care of James’ laundry problem long term, as his circumstances are not sustainable. Michael offers help with finding a new residence, locating a repair service, or securing a new washing machine.
Unfortunately, these gestures fall on deaf ears and only inflame the matter. James goes from being disappointed to guilt-tripping Michael, and ultimately to deleting Michael from his contact list… so he is threatened.
Classic Conditioning and Coercive Control
People don’t come into life this way. They witness this very treatment toward themselves and then grow into believing that’s how one satisfies their needs.
They have felt the sting of “if you don’t give me what I want or do as I say, there will be consequences.”
These so-called consequences are designed to be hurtful toward the non-compliant, or veiled in desperate maneuvers to protect oneself from further perceived (and felt) personal injury by the non-compliant.
Coercive control and manipulative behavior are learned through direct experience. You are not born with it. It is not passed on through the water or any cereal you may have eaten as a child. It is clearly a learned pattern of behavior modeled and reinforced over time.
Let me know in the comments if you’ve ever encountered coercive control and wondered where it come from. For more insights on these dynamics visit InnerSanctuaryOnline.org
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., psychologist, author, consultant, helps people break the cycle of narcissistic domestic abuse and find wholeness, happiness and harmony.
© Dr Jeanne King PhD – Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention