One of the hardest things for people in narcissistically abusive relationships is deciding whether to stay or go. Some people have almost as much heartache over this as they do over the chronic abuse in the relationship. And when you look closer in at their deliberation, it often is an expression of the very dysfunctional dynamics that they seek to end.
In their search, many people ask for the advice of others. But at the end of the day, there is only one person knowing what’s best for oneself. I trust you know who that is.
The person standing in the shoes of the abused…the person on the receiving end of the narcissistically abusive control dynamics. The person who has willingly stepped into the gripping glue that binds the dysfunctional relationship in the first place.
What’s Love Got to Do with It
Initially, it may look like one’s love for one’s partner is a key factor in their decision. I believe it is what keeps one in the relationship well beyond what might be practically safe. If we were to take all the other social, financial and political factors impacting this decision off the table and just look at the “love” factor, we would better appreciate the life cycle of these relationships.
I don’t think it has anything to do with love or the absence of love for one’s partner. Rather, it is about love for oneself. You can love someone deeply and at the same time know this person to be a danger to your health and well-being. As they evidence this again and again, one reaches a point in which you recognize, “What’s love got to do with it.” Answer: Nothing. It’s all about safety.
Safety and Love
As Anaire Nin states so eloquently, “…And the day came when the desire to remain the same was more painful than the risk to grow.”
This is the breaking point where one says, what is can be no more. You realize that the status quo is not safe…and from here, people make changes.
Some people will seek to end the relationship, all together. Others will separate and demand change. Those already living separately may take a stand on no further abusive control antics and remain unheard indefinitely. The core driving variable to the decision to interrupt the status quo is about safety. Period. Not love of other; rather love for oneself.
Once you fully embrace this, you more easily ride the waves of the turmoil inherent narcissistic romance. If you are in a narcissistically abusive relationship, know that safety and love can be two words used in the same sentence, once you realize what’s love got to do with it.
For more information on interrupting partner narcissistic domestic abuse dynamics, visit http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/narcissistic_abuse.php . Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.
©Dr Jeanne King — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention