By Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
Many people question their fears relative to dangerous intimate partners—past and present. It’s human nature.
Often their partners want them (and those that will listen) to believe that they are delusional…that they exaggerate…that they are distorted in some way. This can be both their belief and/or their defense.
The questioning party can wonder whether their perceptions and experiences of toxic and/or potentially lethal events are “real.” It’s part of how they keep themselves in the narcissistic abuse dance.
They may say things like this…
* Are the gasoline kerosene soaked socks really gasoline kerosene soaked socks?
* Is the bleached soaked pillow actually my pillow soaked in bleach?
* What was that vomiting violently…literally retching all night when I’m not sick?
* Is the threat to my safety left as a post on Facebook really “real”?
* Is the sharp metal object in the cottage cheese an accident?
And each of these questions is set in circumstances that make their happening ever so eerie and malicious. Each one of these events occurs in the context of ongoing documented domestic abuse and specific disturbing factors before, during and/or after the incident in question.
These mysterious “happenings” occur all too often in cases of intimate partner homicide. That is not to say that they are going to become homicide cases. It’s only to say that when you look at the time leading up to intimate partner homicide, it can have “stepping stone” incidents that look a lot like this.
The delusion is in not believing what you experience the first time you experience it. It’s much like not believing a person the first time they show you who they are… Hanging onto a belief that something is other than it is… Hanging onto the belief that they are something other than what they are with you is your delusion. That’s the illusion.
For example, listen to Robin. She and her partner parted, and months later she finds herself questioning the night of her violent vomiting.
Or look at Samantha, nearly a year later recalling—with question—the evening she foamed from the mouth.
Or Ben biting into a tack in his oatmeal…a memory that lingers with him for years on end.
These people all have this one important thing in common: they are questioning what they already know to be true, so as to make entertaining other options possible.
You don’t have to remind these people of the foam coming out of their mouth. Or, the way in which they felt while losing their guts overtaken by vomiting throughout the night. Or, the taste of the metallic cold sharp object folded into the oatmeal.
You can question how these things happened, but you cannot question that they happened. Because they did and that simply is. Now what you do with this reality is your business.
Bazaar Events, Fears and Decisions
When you see someone cross the line, you know they are capable of walking the line (at a minimum). And then the question that you have to ask yourself is: Is it worth it? Is it worth it to walk the line with this person…knowing what you know?
There may be times in which the answer to this is “yes,” simply because this person provides for you something you cannot—or do not want to—live without. Or, this person offers something vital that you believe you cannot produce/generate on your own.
Then, there are times in which the answer is “no” because you see it like heroin. Why take a lethal chance, if you can avoid one. You get to determine: Is the magic you feel/felt worth losing your life for? That’s the most important question. It’s using foresight based on the information already given.
If you have been threatened with harm toward yourself all while in the context of a controlling abusive relationship with someone that lacks a conscience AND is without awareness, do your own math and draw conclusions that support your highest good.
There will always be people who tell you that you are exaggerating before a life altering blow. And after a lethal incident, you’ll be told you are a dummy for not seeing it coming. What side of this conversation do you want to be on?
There are no right or wrong answers. There are only choices. And fortunately, you can make educated ones. Education is prevention AND prevention is the cure!
For more information on partner narcissistic abuse dynamics, visit https://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/narcissistic_abuse.php and end this dangerous dysfunctional cycle of domestic abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.
© Dr Jeanne King — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention