Narcissism…No rules, no responsibility, no remorse. Sound like someone you know or once knew?
The concept of narcissistic abuse has been popularized over the last several years. And many people are waking up…as they embrace what this psychological term actually means. Many of these people are connecting the dots, clarifying the confusion that they live in their narcissistically abusive relationship.
When there are no rules, or shall we say when the rules that apply to others have no relevance to your partner, life is unpredictable and can be dangerous. For example, take a look at Norton and Jill.
Both Jill and Norton grew up in an upper middle class family socialized with similar norms, except for some reason they don’t apply to Norton.
His Toilet Is Wherever…
There is a common understanding in society wherein people are trained/socialized to utilize toilets to eliminate personal human waste. Yet, there are some of us who believe they have the right to relieve themselves without the toilet. Norton is one of these people.
Here is how this plays out. Jill has an appointment for a manicure and Norton seeks to accompany her, by dropping her off and picking her up. Sounds pretty ordinary, right?
However, after this manicure she is met with Norton, who happens to need to relieve his bladder. While it is true that the salon has a coffee shop (with a public men’s room) right next door, Norton prefers the outdoor concrete over the indoor toilet.
So naturally, once Jill steps into the car, he drives across the street to a neighboring parking lot in which he parks…steps out of the car, pulls out his penis, stands facing the vehicle and relieves himself with no care in the world.
Now this is a blatant example of “no rules.” Sometimes the obvious shows more than the eye can see. It certainly did for Jill.
Not Mine: No Accountability
Most people will tell you that you cannot own what is not yours. And this is true for the narcissist, as well. He/she is not responsible for that which does not apply to them. I trust you see where this is going.
You can’t own what doesn’t apply to you, because it is not yours. These people truly leave every morsel of responsibility on the table, because that is simply where it belongs, anywhere except with them.
These people can rape you (literally and/or figuratively), knowing they have taken something not given, and claim no accountability for their actions, whatsoever, thereafter. They are not accountable because the rules truly do not apply to them. Or, it might be that they have their own rules.
The net result: no accountability, no responsibility, no change.
Remorse Is for the Guilty
For the narcissist, there truly is no remorse because they have done nothing wrong, so what’s to feel bad for?
I have seen cases in which the lack of remorse is so chilling that you feel like you are in The Silence of the Lambs. The eeriness of the remorse void in its living color is utterly stunning.
Take a look at it with Norton and Jill. Norton coerces Jill (in a relentless gorilla-like fashion) to engage in an activity to benefit him all while she is significantly injured. And he does this without any concern for the consequences to her.
His grossly abusive, manipulative and exploitive maneuvers to accomplish this are so blatantly apparent that his blindness in its context could make one with a conscience vomit. While looking at her in a knee-high orthopedic brace weeks following their coerced journey, Norton expresses his “remorseful sentiments” coldly saying: “You didn’t need to go after all.”
These people have the capacity to inflict obvious (and often intentional) injury and truly not care. Moreover, they take insult to your expectation for their accountability. They are the ones who smile inside when they recognize their destructive/disempowering impact on you. Why should one except remorse, to the contrary. These folks are delighted by their success in your demise…as it replenishes them, empowers them and it asserts their assumed, unreasonable rights.
All this bringing you back to no rules, no responsibility and no remorse. If you recognize these characteristics in your partner and these dynamics in your relationship, seek to fully understand narcissistic behavior symptoms.
For more professional insights about the psychology of narcissistic domestic abuse dynamics and healing, visit InnerSanctuaryOnline.org. These writings have helped thousands of people worldwide find clarity, wholeness, and well-being in their journey to heal the trauma of intimate partner abuse.
© Jeanne King, Ph.D. — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention
My husband for over 40 yrs has been the same for me as this woman you write about in the Jill and Norton scenerios. He has always put on a guise ofbeing humorous and charismatic outside the home but of a maniplulative, demeaning, non-communicative, demanding individual who has always stated he has no reposibility to me other than to do WHAT he wants, WHEN he wants, WHERE he wants , WHY he wants, and WHITH whom he wants to do WITHOUT any questioning or comment from me. His actions or lack thereof has caused much pain and turmoil in any sense of a limited relationship we may have after these 46 years of marriage. ( I have aftened questioned if this is an accurated term ) After both attending together 3 sessions of marrital counseling. The counselor asked to counsel with us on an indiviual basis and my husband replied to the counselof that ” he had nothing to do with any problems in the marriage but that all problems were my fault, and he didn’t need to have nor participate in counseling and would never return for any. This is from a man that portrays that he is a pious, supposidly GOD fearing man. He would berate me so horribly before leaving for church services any while driving to the services that I got to the point, for gaurding my sense of my self worth, where I could NOT attend the same church as does he. I did go to the church head and tried to explain this situation to this person. My husband spends most time when I am home after a full days work as a nurse, complaining about how stupid and dumb everyone is ( inclusive of me ), about how wonderful a man he has been, and sitting in front of the T.V. night after night, day after day. ( he is on S.S. retirement) all children are out of the home, thank goodness. He does not like people to come to the home and has made this perfectly clear to the children and complains when people to show-up unexpectedly. I am a people person, stil enjoy working, and am more a doer. He insisits on godeing me for not doing the very activities that he never did when he could have as he has not been employed for 20 years. But he gets a kick from constantly telling me how imperfect I am, and stupid and dump. And, being human, I fully know this is to a point true but without me supporing this family since we were wed, financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually and in everyway I possibly could, this family would not have made it. I could elaborate, but will not. This man, has been killing my spirit for years and impacting my emotions for years. I had been encouraged to read 2 books on Narrcicistic people and relationships by the marital counselor which helped me to reognize many of the traits I have been trying ( without any success ) to sensibly relate to. I just need ongoing support as I see the Dr. Jeckle and Mr, Hyde all the time where most just witness the one. Any assistance will be of value I’m sure. Vickie
Vickie, I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are a strong resourceful women. You clearly know these dynamics as they are the wallpaper in your home. Feel free to contact me for individual support as you are asking. I can help you with this… You can click on the Support link in this website to reach me directly. Dr. King