“Where is God?” I asked, again and again.
Each time my dear mother replied with the same answer, which as a child meant absolutely nothing to me.
“God is everywhere,” she would say as though she knew.
I would reply, “Well if he is everywhere, why can’t I see him?”
And she would say, “Feel him.”
Tomorrow is my beloved mother’s birthday and I awakened flooded with a desire to write in honor of her. Audree Dale King passed a little over two and a half years ago, and it has taken this long for me to fully release the trauma around her passing.
She was a striking woman in appearance always with a book in hand. It was her mental escape and the blanket of intellect she wore day in and day out. If it wasn’t a book companion, there was knitting needles and yarn neatly tucked in some high fashioned tote bag next to her side.
She had both a privileged and difficult life, all in one. And she taught me lessons over the years that have molded the very essence of the person I am today.
The Little Birdie on Your Shoulder
As early as eight years old, I recall her telling me about the little birdie on my shoulder. I repeatedly asked, “How do you know when something is right for you?”
“How do I know if this (or that) is right for me?” I said, again and again.
And she had the same answer each and every time. She’d say, “There is a little birdie on your shoulder.”
The implication always being the same. The answer you are seeking is right here with you now.
She was the first person opening my eyes to the concept of inner voice. Decades later I became a clinical psychologist, guiding people in hearing their inner voice.
Today, it occurs to me that I have been helping people listen to the little birdie on their shoulder. (Of course, I’ve never said that to a patient.)
Audree’s Greatest Gift Bestowed Upon Me
Her last six years were polluted with extreme conflict around being emotionally and financially exploited by a “caretaker” in a high-end nursing home. This was then followed by her first-born son’s triangulation of my abusive ex and his soldiers relative to me upon her passing.
While that nightmare still reeks when I reflect upon it, the impact of that period in my life is minuscule compared to her parting message to me in her transition.
I’m going to tell you something I’ve never written publicly prior to this writing. Breathe with me and hear me fully, as I cut and paste exactly what I wrote shortly after…
God Is Everywhere
Then, days later on 12/15/17 Friday (the day she was cremated), I felt Audree in the grocery store the entire time I was there… I so distinctly felt her in Wholefoods on College Avenue in Fort Collins late afternoon.
It was the most amazing experience to feel her presence with me, both around me and inside of me. I could smell, sense and feel her.
She was truly EVERYWHERE …in every crevice of that store.
It was a profound sense of contentment and utter connection with her. She was around and within me, and I was her at the same time. It was ever so satisfying…utterly magnificent.
It felt so special to be with it, as such. It was the absolute most profound sense of worthiness one might contain. I remember not wanting it to go and wanting to see/feel her there again. (*Post Script)
As I reflect on this again and again, I’m keenly aware of what people mean when they say, “There is no death.” It’s distinctly clear to me that when you die, when you pass, your body stops and your spirit infiltrates the ethers.
You go from individuation to being everywhere. You go from a being incarnated in a body to being everything. And here is the bonus prize: You can influence your presence being known or not by those who remain.
My Mother’s Lessons
God is everywhere, and your answers are within. Thank you Audree for giving me the most precious knowing, which will invariably support me for the rest of my life. May these answers be with you, too, should you question.
For more personal and professional insights, visit www.innersanctuaryonline.org Dr. Jeanne King, psychologist and author, helps people break the cycle of domestic abuse and find wholeness, happiness and harmony.
© Dr Jeanne King PhD – Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention
*Post Script ~ Clear aspects of that experience remained with me in a tangible way daily for nearly two months. It came to an abrupt halt when I was badgered ad nauseam by beneficiaries to release their inheritance before and instead of closing Audree’s estate.
One beneficiary remained in hiding all while others assisted him. This being done in the context of two years of missing social security benefits. The money was inconsequential to most of us. More importantly, the way they were in the months and years following her passing fundamentally changed my relationship with many of them.
The memory of Audree’s spirit on that day continues to reveal to me the relationship between life and death. And this profound lesson will be with me forever. It was the absolute most glorious gift I ever received from Mom (or anyone for that matter).