By Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
Have you ever wondered why adult children of parental alienation act blindly in a war they have no standing, nor say, in? It’s as though they are puppets on someone else’s mission that they eventually internalize as their own.
These people fight battles and carry out the combat of a war mission all while having no real authority. They are servants to their “tyrant-in-chief.” Sometimes they may have glimpses of the wrongdoing of their actions, but they know yielding to that awareness will cause them greater grief. So, they ignore it because at the end of the day, they have no authority. They are foot soldiers.
These are the adult children of parental alienation. Many have gone years without any direct or meaningful contact with their war target, AKA their estranged parent. Some of these children have disowned the alienated non-family member, and also have been disowned yet they may not know it, much less care.
Foot Soldier Reality
When estranged parents of foot soldiers truly grasp the foot solider concept, their lives change. Instead of internalizing their experience of these people as having anything to do with themselves or the relationship they once had, they recognize that these people are shells of those they once knew. They are realistic in their expectations relative to the behavior of the foot solider.
Now from the foot soldier’s perspective, all blame for the existing predicament lies with the behavior of the alienated parent and has nothing to do with the person pulling their strings. These strings remain aspects the foot solider is blind to and in denial of… They are strings that have become the cords unconsciously molding their own experience.
Just as foot soldiers fight wars hating the enemy of whom they know nothing about, these people aid in the continuation of the alienating parent’s war. And in the same way as foot soldiers, they are rewarded and punished according to the extent to which they follow the demands of their commanding officer. They will even go so far as to hinder their own welfare to carry out these missions.
Take Darold and Mildred for example. These two young people were raised by their natural mother through their entire childhood. When they were old enough to reach out as young adults, they attempted to re-establish a connection with their estranged parent. However, over the years, time and time again, they found themselves in the middle of a conflict involving law-fare against this parent.
Upon examination, it is distinctly evident that these repeated conflicts arouse out of the funding and collaboration of the alienating parent. Sadly, these foot soldiers either became blind to morality or merely remained accustomed to reflexively yielding to the suggestions and/or demands of those pulling their strings.
Long-standing Parental Alienation
From the estranged parent’s perspective, these foot soldiers remain endlessly dangerous as they are wired to implicate them in harm and hold a negative perspective toward them. The estranged parent eventually awakens to the fact that they are healthier and happier without the desire for a connection. And the foot solider realizes they are better off without the burden of being involved in the family hardship. This is the long-standing outcome of parental alienation.
If you recognize this pattern in your life, take a hard and honest look at the dynamics of parental alienation. The sooner you do, the healthier, happier and more at peace you become. For more insights on parental alienation and family abuse, visit https://innersanctuaryonline.org
© Dr Jeanne King Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention
I had no idea that this was something that would ever happen to me but it has. I have 4 children 2 grandsons all 4 same dad, 26, 16, 11, and 4 yes I know big age gaps but the way God intended. When my covert narcissist discarded me after 29 years my 2 oldest stopped talking to me and when they would come around it felt like something was off the relationship I once had especially with my oldest son had dramatically changed he became distant and treated me like I caused my own abuse and even though he didn’t talk about his dad much I could tell that he was told something about the situation that wasn’t true. They would “fish” for any bit of information and every once in awhile they would let something slip about their dad only the things that would hurt me or to trigger me. When I finally figured this out I went into hermit mode going through a very hard divorce and not having any money for a lawyer I soon learned that everything I vented to anyone about the situation was somehow being leaked backed to him and that’s when I knew I couldn’t trust anyone so I went silent no matter what was said or what happened believe me he did some really cruel and nasty things to me indirectly and directly and I kept silent. Almost 2 years later and divorced 4 months he still sends the kids to get information on me he pays them off with what I call shhh money and I have become so aware now I don’t give anything that I don’t want to be repeated. I’m still so upset that the 2 children that grew up in a house where behind closed doors and closed curtains lived a monster just waiting to unleash all their own inner feelings emotionally, verbally, financially, and in the last 5 years physically abuse their kind sheltering mom but I don’t blame them for falling victim to his gaslighting, manipulating, pretending to be a victim in all of this especially when all they ever wanted was his love and recognition and he only tossed a few bread crumbs every once in awhile of course they would believe him he pays truck payment, phone payment, oldest he helps with my grandkids who by the way have also been thrown into all this to the point that when I see them they don’t even call me grandma or anything else but by my first name, their papa buys them trampolines basketball goals but doesn’t even come to take our 4 year old with them to the arcade and it’s only 10 miles from him. So parent alienation is just if not more painful than the whole situation that starts this new way of living. If you have any suggestions on what I can do to keep moving on and be the best version of myself for my two younger kids please let me know. Thank you
Heather