I think the saddest thing for most people in narcissistically abusive relationships is that they don’t see it for what it is, until the chain is around them…until the “I do” is given…until the limitations of the relationship causalities entrap the narcissistic supply.
It’s clearly a dance between two people. And if one continues in its flow, by design it will diminish, degrade and destroy one, all while being insanely showered by love bombs.
The key to awakening is paying attention to the inner wisdom as it shouts out to you from within. Unfortunately, many people smother these signals so as not to rock the boat. And in so doing, they awaken to drowning in utter chaos and in their own demise.
For example, take a look at Davis and his partner Liz.
“This is wrong” “This is not good for me” were the voices whispering from within, Liz notes. And many times the words expressing this leaked out in a moment of insight, not in a fight. It became such a routine thing for this couple that Davis began to hear those words as a sword piercing through him.
In an emotionally climatic moment for him, he declares, “If I hear you say that again, I’m going to leave.” And like a stun gun, she is stopped in her tracks. She sits with: “These words are hurting him and I should spare him this.” And she continues his conditioning of herself from within. Clever!
Liz fails to examine her own words. She does no inquiry into the validity of this thought. She doesn’t dare discuss this openly with him. They both put it away until it rears its ugly head in behavior.
The way this happens is characteristically part of the glue that binds narcissistically abusive relationships. Here’s how…
1) He cannot hear her experience.
2) He does not want her to hear her experience.
3) She is rewarded for not listening to that thought or bringing it into the conversation. (And conversely punished if she does.)
4) She learns to listen to his thoughts over her own.
5) The potency of her inner voice fades.
6) Ultimately, she has none.
7) …Until the day comes when she can take no more, and something gives.
These are the inner signals that are your gifts. Trust your gut and attend to that which calls your attention. Simply sitting with the thought in bare attention can yield its further opening…bringing forth felt meaning that carries the full gestalt. You have a right to your truth. Listen to it, the first time it speaks.
If you are in a relationship in which you are discouraged (and discourage yourself) from exploring your inner voice as it relates to the relationship itself, stop and take and hard and fast look at the conditioning in narcissistically abusive relationships.
For more information on interrupting partner narcissistic domestic abuse dynamics, visit http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/narcissistic_abuse.php
For a wealth of information and real-life insights on abusive relationships, visit https://innersanctuaryonline.org and start your Free 7-day trial today. Inner Sanctuary Online is designed to help you with the challenges of abusive relationships, from identifying them to influencing change within them to healing during and after them.
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.
© Dr Jeanne King — Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention