By Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
If you have ever lived parental alienation, you will easily recognize three phases of this ugly syndrome. I have identified three distinct phases: the Hanging-on Attachment Phase, the Erasure Detachment Phase, and the Set-up Manipulation Phase. These terms are my framework for understanding how this syndrome unfolds.
For those needing clarification on what this term parental alienation actually means, here’s a working definition. Parental alienation is a term that refers to the process in which one parent manipulates a child to reject or distance themselves from the other parent, typically resulting in a complete breakdown in their relationship with the alienated parent.
The term parental alienation, according to Wikipedia, is a theorized process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent.[1][2] The child’s estrangement may manifest itself as fear, disrespect or hostility toward the distant parent….[3][4] The child’s estrangement is disproportionate to any acts or conduct attributable to the alienated parent.[5] Parental alienation can occur in any family unit, but is claimed to occur most often within the context of family separation, particularly when legal proceedings are involved,[6] although the participation of professionals such as lawyers, judges and psychologists may also contribute to conflict.[7]
Like most syndromes, parental alienation has a life cycle of its own. Here are the three phases of this syndrome and the order in which they unfold.
The Hanging-on Attachment Phase
The Hanging-on Attachment Phase is where it all begins. These children are propagandized into believing that the targeted parent is a threat to them. They are literally brainwashed into incorporating a perspective that the targeted parent will pose danger to them. And this parent is never to be trusted or respected.
However, because of the bond these children have with the alienated parent, they resist initially. And the keyword here is “initially.” They typically know from the core of their being that what they are told is counter to their lived experience with the targeted parent.
Many minor children will reach out in their effort to maintain the connection they know in their heart. And, as it is in this syndrome, their efforts are met with disapproval from the alienating parent and those that support the erasure agenda.
Take Malcolm for example. Malcolm was 10 when separated from his protective maternal parent, for whom he had an excellent strong bond for the first 10 years of his life.
God only knows the propaganda given to this child. However, with his strong will he resisted with every fiber of his being, until fighting back was no longer an option.
Four years after this child’s estrangement, he reached out on a phone call recorded by the alienating parent, pleading with his mother. He earnestly and desperately begged, “How can we get you back.”
He said, “It will only take one month.” His appeal noted that if this parent submitted to a 30-day in-patient psychiatric hospitalization, that then —and only then— would he be able to see her.
In this attachment phase, one can see the child’s resistance to the brainwashing. At one point, Malcolm reported, “They are changing my memories.” He was aware of what was going on. But in this delicate formative stage of his life, his resistance led him nowhere in his efforts to sustain the attachment.
The Erasure Detachment Phase
This Erasure Detachment Phase is where these children come to internalize the agenda to eliminate the target parent. It is understandable how this happens.
When you are told the same lie over and over again and again by those maintaining your reward-punishment system, eventually one leans in for survival. They know the only way to remain in the grace of the alienating parent is to go along with the erasure agenda. And so, they do.
In Malcolm’s case the final words were, “I can’t have a relationship with you because it will make my father sad.” They know that to go along is to get along. And without this, their lives are unstable.
They will intentionally block the alienating parent from participating in milestones of their lives… weddings, their own children, and the like. Generally, there are no concrete reasons for this erasure arising from their relationship, other than the cascade of propaganda and lies imprinted in them over years.
They come to recognize that their well-being rests in the elimination of this parent in their lives. It becomes their way of accomplishing the peace they long. But is it really peace, or is it the quietening of the external turmoil?
The Set-up Manipulation Phase
Somehow the Erasure Detachment Phase morphs into the Set-up Manipulation Phase, in which their detachment appears to soften all while simply following some known or unknown agenda.
In this phase, these adult children of parental alienation will seek out the estranged parent as a foot soldier for the alienating parent. And in many cases that reaching out can be for their own personal benefit generally at a cost to the estranged parent.
If you are a parent of parental alienation, you have most likely encountered these manipulations again and again in your journey. I have seen many parents misled, tricked and set up in ways unimaginable from their once bonded child.
Sometimes these ploys propagandized by these children are so flagrantly obvious and other times, they can be so subtle that they slip right beneath the alienated parent’s wiser judgment.
These children will pull at your heartstrings to get whatever they are seeking. Often the acting out in their pursuit reeks of coercive control, emotional abuse and adult child tantrum-like behavior.
When you find yourself drawn into one of these manipulations, you know from deep within, a ploy is in place. But for many estranged parents, the heartstring tug allows them to lean in… until the day comes when they see clearly what is guiding these gestures.
I have witnessed parents jailed, entrapped in lawsuits, accused of crimes they have not committed… and the list goes on. Then, there are those rare parents who awaken to the reality of their circumstances and see it clearly as it is—long-standing consequences of parental alienation.
I differentiate this kind of manipulation from the manipulative gestures that many adult children have toward their parents. Children of parental alienation have no intention other than to gain that which they seek, with absolutely no care whatsoever that they are on a pursuit that ultimately can bring harm to the alienating parent.
These encounters can be a destabilizing force beneath the surface… a fragmenting undercurrent that leaves the estranged parent shaken, whether or not they fall for the manipulation. For the child, it’s nothing more than the evolution of the life cycle of parental alienation.
In Closure
I share these three phases of parental alienation with you, so you understand more objectively that this syndrome is larger than you. I remind you that you are larger than it. While that may sound paradoxical, know this: It’s not about you. Remember this: Your life is more than it.
For more information on parental alienation, visit https://innersanctuaryonline.org and discover ways to reclaim your well-being in the context of dysfunctional abusive dynamics.
Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author, opens eyes, offers clarity, and helps people worldwide heal from narcissistic abuse.
©Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. 2025 All Rights Reserved
Wikipedia References Cited
- Jaffe, Alan M.; Thakkar, Melanie J.; Piron, Pascale; Walla, Peter (11 May 2017). “Denial of ambivalence as a hallmark of parental alienation”. Cogent Psychology. 4 (1). doi:1080/23311908.2017.1327144.
- Kruk, Edward (2018). “Parental Alienation as a Form of Emotional Child Abuse: Current State of Knowledge and Future Directions for Research” (PDF). Family Science Review. 22 (4): 142. doi:26536/EVMS9266. S2CID 249248153. Retrieved 24 October 2019.
- Lorandos, Demosthenes, Ph.D., J.D.; Baker, Amy, Ph.D; Campbell, Terence, Ph.D.; Freeman, Bradley, M.D.; Lowrance, Hon. Michele, J.D. (2013). Slovenko, Ralph, B.E., LL.B., M.A., Ph.D.; Bernet, William, M.D.; et al. (eds.). Parental Alienation: The Handbook for Mental Health and Legal Professionals. Springfield, Il: Charles C. Thomas, Publisher, LTD. ISBN 978-0-398-08881-1. LCCN 2013011346.
- Doughty, Julie; Maxwell, Nina; Slater, Tom (April 2018). “Review of research and case law on parental alienation” (PDF). ORCA – Online Research at Cardiff University. Cascade Children’s Social Care Research and Development Center. p. 21. Retrieved 24 October 2019.
- Ellis, Elizabeth M.; Boyan, Susan (30 April 2010). “Intervention Strategies for Parent Coordinators in Parental Alienation Cases”. The American Journal of Family Therapy. 38 (3): 218–236. doi:1080/01926181003757074. S2CID 146593914.
- Harman, Jennifer J.; Leder-Elder, Sadie; Biringen, Zeynep (July 2016). “Prevalence of parental alienation drawn from a representative poll”. Children and Youth Services Review. 66: 62–66. doi:1016/j.childyouth.2016.04.021.
- Braver, Sanford L.; Cookston, Jeffrey T.; Cohen, Bruce R. (October 2002). “Experiences of Family Law Attorneys With Current Issues in Divorce Practice*”. Family Relations. 51 (4): 325–334. doi:1111/j.1741-3729.2002.00325.x.