By Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
I often hear battered women talk about the abuse they witness between their intimate partners and their minor children. Many of these women blame themselves for the ongoing emotional abuse that they observe. It’s as though the children cannot do anything right in their father’s eyes. And the mother senses her partner’s jealousy…and faults herself for him feeling it.
Her claim is that if she only reassured him more of her love for him, then he would not pick on the child as much. My belief is that this thinking keeps her in a dangerous loop and is far from her truth, much less his.
Why the Ongoing Emotional Abuse, Anyway
The little boy cannot sit right at the dinner table. He holds his eating utensils improperly. He makes unnecessary noise when he chews his food. He does not chew his food long enough, or maybe he chews it too long.
His hair is a mess…and his t-shirt is stained with signs of earlier outdoor play. He talks too loud or too fast. He may even stutter. He knows whatever he does, or whatever he is in the moment, it will not be right in his father’s eyes.
His mother takes him in as though he is perfect and well deserving of her unconditional love. As he gets this love from her, the “picking” begins…from father to son.
It appears to have more to do with the father’s experience of the child receiving his mother’s love unconditionally. There is an envy there that goes well beyond his outward jealously of the child having more of mommy’s affections than he.
It feels more like an envy that this little child is getting what the father failed to receive as a little boy. The jealousy is over the unconditional love from the past, not in the present. And this is why the mother cannot impact her partner’s experience.
It is between the father and his memory of the mothering he received growing up. The vulnerability this grown man feels is triggered by the defenselessness he felt as a little boy at the mercy of his abusive parent. And this vulnerability in turn triggers his picking on his innocent vulnerable son.
Who Is Responsible for Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Abuse
The only person that can break this cycle of abuse between father and son is the father. The child certainly can’t, and the mother is unable to control this dynamic, as well.
If you are at the dinner table with your abusive partner and catch him constantly picking on your child, see this dynamic for what it is. It’s probably not about you, or your relationship with your partner. It is also not about your little boy. More likely it is about the little boy that remains in your partner’s psyche today.
For information on breaking the cycle of domestic abuse in your relationship, visit www.innersanctuaryonline.org and find freedom from abuse. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide end and heal from domestic abuse.
©Jeanne King, Ph.D. – Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention