Have you ever noticed how some people have tanks that cannot be filled? No matter what you give them, it’s never enough. Even when you have nothing left to give — because you have already given it all — they remain insatiably hungry.
I describe it like this because that is exactly what it is. One cannot satisfy he/she who is, and remains, empty.
For example, take a look at Ronald and Mona. Ronald had a way of enlisting Mona’s “full-time (unofficial) employment” furthering his delusional fantasies. Actually, he was using her to advance his professional social cause…so he made it seem.
Your Time Is My Time
Ronald demanded Mona’s participation in a forum gathering requiring that she miss her own income producing work for over half of the week. Furthermore, he placed such demands upon her all while she was struggling with a serious health issue.
Upon their return from this intense and revealing excursion, Mona seeks to resume her own actual employment, which she neglected in the service of his narcissistic demands.
To this end, she gets ready for bed in order to meet the challenges of the day ahead. And in so doing, she yields to sleep and misses his call. Get ready for a major upset. The woman missed his call.
The Roars of “Neglect”
Mona wakens with the sun rising ready to do a day-and-a-half’s work to make up for her being away. With a 12-hour shift, she plows through keeping her focus and giving her best.
Moments after she brings a close to this long day, she calls Ronald. And now he wants her to know how she has wronged him for not calling him during the work day. Mona claims that she didn’t even have time for a bathroom break, much less lunch. And now after a 12-hour day, she is met with, “Why didn’t you call me during the day?”
You know what her answer is: “There was no time in the day…” Plus, we had been texting each other throughout the day, she reminds him.
Now, if you know narcissistic abuse, you may even know what comes next. Ronald says, “You didn’t have five minutes in your day to call me.”
Now, they are into a cascading fight regarding Mona’s “neglect.” He wants her to know in no uncertain terms that she has let him down by not calling him during the day. And moreover, the so-called neglect must mean she is withholding or has something on the side. He continues the sulking and abusive emotional battering for days. Whatever it means to him in that moment remains beyond her, as Mona awakens, once again, to the reality of her dysfunctional relationship. She realizes that it is never enough.
There was something about the contrast of her having given “everything” to him in the context of his insatiable craving and accusation of “neglect.” What becomes ever so clear in situations like this is the futility in filling bottomless tanks. …And for Mona, the inevitable error in assuming the assignment in the first place.
If you are in a relationship with someone who chronically lets you know, “it’s never enough,” despite your efforts otherwise, see their empty tank for what it is. And most importantly, trust it is not about you.
For more information about partner narcissistic abuse, visit https://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/narcissistic_abuse.php and understand these complex cruel dynamics. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from narcissistic domestic abuse. For daily insights and healing tips, join our Inner Sanctuary Online community.
© Dr Jeanne King — Domestic Violence Prevention
This was very enlightening. I am can relate to this because i left my job to help my husband build our home business. My entire life was neglected, ibecame cousumed only doing his bidding and if i said im tired,i need a break, or can i get a tiny incentive Money wise for myself gosh! IT was always i dont have, what do you need Money for and a lot more…im lost presently he abused me physically was unfaithful…he has to be evicted because he threathened to kill me. Now mentally i cant function im still scared,i have no Money, no job hes fighting me for my home where both my mom and myself live at present..just because he and i did renovations when we got married…im.in a very low place right now
Jassodra, I’m so sorry you are facing this. I can see how you related to this article because that was the exact message. You deserve so much more. You gave far more than he deserved. Good you see now. Hold on to what is yours and let go of those that use and abuse you. Thank you for sharing. Prayers and blessings to you. Dr. King
But what’s wrong with the victims of NPD Abuse? Wefindithard to leave we love these ppl Why is it so hard for us passionate caring victims that we stay getting involved ith ppl like this or anybody that pays attention to us?
Sheila, Yes it can be hard to leave due to one’s enmeshment and a number of other social psychological factors.
The main source of an abuser’s power over his/her target is the inability of the target to leave the relationship. This is something that outsiders usually fail to understand. Another thing that outsiders do not understand is that just because a target has escaped the relationship, that does not mean that they have escaped to abuse.
Gian, Thank you for your comment. What you say is so true. Spot on! Dr. King
Similar situation here, never enough after 20 yrs of emotional, verbal and once physical abuse. Now am called a waste of a wife. Trust me am not. Much too late to leave ,too many health issues. Thank you for your posts, they are informative, and very helpful.